First open your heart ... then extend love with every fiber of your being, like Jenn Johnson in this song: "And this is not religion, as some would suppose.... This is a love song, with every fiber of my being I compose!"
Self-honesty: Prerequisite For Great Relationships
To assure relationship happiness, I need to learn self-honesty. For starters, it will help me to see for a moment some examples of what self-honesty is not.
Always telling the literal truth to others is not the definition of self-honesty.
For example, let's imagine I live in World War II Netherlands and I am harboring a Jewish family which is hiding from the Nazis. If the Gestapo knocks on my door and asks me whether I know where this family is, my self-honest response is to lie to them, telling them I have no knowledge of this family.
In this example, the Gestapo are the ones being dishonest with themselves.
Always telling the truth to myself based on what I imagine I know is not the definition of self-honesty.
For example, suppose I'm a young chess player who has just learned the game of chess. I hear about an opportunity to play against a chess master and I tell myself, "No way am I going to be able to beat such a master."
This sounds like being honest with myself, but have I listened inside to my inner voice? Maybe my inner voice is telling me not to judge by the surface appearance of the circumstance. Perhaps my spirit is informing me that there is a miracle about to happen at the chess tournament if I would just listen inside and trust.
Seeing two separate people in relationship is not self-honesty.
The truth is we are all one. In the ego's world it's been convenient to allow our mind to be trained to seeing separation and believing in separation. But as science progresses there is more and more proof of what spiritual teachers have been telling us for ages ... there is only one mind.
In 1999 in Salt Lake City one man harbored a grievance against the LDS Family History Library. He was frustrated and angry but did not act on his anger ... so it seemed. Another man happened to be walking by who had no grievance at all with the library, but he suddenly stopped and turned, entered the library, pulled out a gun, and started shooting people.
Psychics might say, "The two men were psychically connected, one acting out the other's anger," as if we are separate beings but in psychic association with each other. But are we really even separate beings? Science is increasingly agreeing with spiritual teachers ... all is one.
So I've seen some examples of what self-honesty is not, and I realize ultimately I have little choice in each situation but to listen inside to my deepest inner truth to find out the truly self-honest response or the truly self-honest way of seeing things.
Being self-honest means being in-touch with my spirit and responding as my spirit would have me respond.
If somebody asks me, "How are you doing this morning?", I might be tempted to tune in to my sore muscles and answer, "I feel terrible!" But maybe if I listened to something deeper inside myself than my body or my emotions I would hear my inner voice counseling me to reply after all, "You know what? I couldn't be better!"
Why does my inner voice always counsel me to feel loving, joyous, energized, confident? Only because my true nature is loving, joyous, energized, and confident. My inner voice is honest to my true self and to what is really going on beneath surface appearances.
Self-honesty is defined as being fully consistent with my inner being and my inner knowledge.
Okay. So now I want to work on developing a deeper self-honesty than I've ever before experienced. Yes, I want to guard against deceiving myself with respect to the facts. But I also want to look deeper within than usual and find out facts that wouldn't have been apparent by looking at the surface.
To set the learning tone for each day, when I awaken I will make a statement to myself of my dedication:
"Today I'm going to be more honest with myself than ever before!"
It does not matter if I don't know how I am going to do this. The key here is to make the commitment. My subconscious mind is capable of doing the work without my conscious mind knowing how. I merely want to make the statement to myself enough times to start feeling the commitment.
Then throughout each day I want to ask myself one question over and over again in many different situations. I might ask myself this question a thousand times during the day. The question is:
"Am I being honest with myself in this situation?"
The very act of asking will cause my inner being to respond. I will know without thinking about it intellectually whether I am being honest. With enough practice, I will begin to easily recognize the feeling of being honest with myself.
Before retiring each day I will say to myself a few times the truth I am teaching myself:
"Self-honesty brings me what I really, really want."
When my day has ended and I'm in bed, eyes closed, I ask myself one more time for the day, "What does it feel like to be totally honest with myself?" As I fall asleep, I bask in the joyous feeling of self-honesty.
Also available free of charge online:
Course in Political Miracles
Let It Be = Joy, Love, Inner Peace
Holding grievances certainly has to be the most pain-producing, health-destroying, relationship-dissolving practice humans have invented. Innumerable wars, murders, destructive vendettas, courtroom fights, and relationship breakdowns have resulted from holding grievances.
Lives are ruined by holding grievances.
When grievances are held in mind, no one gains. Even if the person holding a grievance manages to feel temporary satisfaction when a comeuppance takes place, the damage from holding the grievance far outweighs the temporary satisfaction.
Grievances are killers.
Letting go of grievances is potentially the most natural mind action possible. We are born without grievances. We die without grievances. We become enlightened without grievances. Being free of grievances is totally natural.
Yet as natural as it may be to hold no grievances, it may not be easy to let go of a particular grievance in an emotionally charged situation. Letting go may take a very firm decision. Nonetheless since being without grievances is my natural state, when I do decide to let go of a grievance I have all the strength in the universe working to that end.
A powerful key for my success in relationship is the firm decision to let go of any and all grievances quickly ... as quickly as I might notice them in my mind. This is known as "forgiveness," and there is nothing impossible to forgive because letting go is merely a choice.
This week I train my mind to let go of any and all grievances.
Upon awakening each day I devote a minimum 20 minute meditation period to scanning my mind for grievances. The first one or two may not require much searching because any powerfully present grievances will be fed to me automatically by my subconscious mind.
With each grievance that comes to mind I will decree the following statement as many times as it takes or as long as it takes for the grievance to substantially weaken or disappear:
"Holding this grievance is not my natural state. There is nothing that cannot be forgiven, so this too I release."
The idea is to say this aloud over and over until I feel forgiveness happening. The sound vibration created by the "chanting" cleans out negative energy and I then more easily get in-touch with my spirit deep inside which releases and forgives automatically.
During the day I take a few minutes each hour to monitor my progress. Did I release any grievances during the last hour? If so, how did it feel to release? What were the results? Did I catch myself holding onto any grievances during the last hour? If so, I rededicate myself by using the statement:
"Holding this grievance is not my natural state. There is nothing that cannot be forgiven, so this too I release."
At the end of the day I give some final daily thought to forgiveness.
People who have had near-death experiences almost always report something like: "When I knew I was dying, all the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. Nothing on earth mattered any longer. Absolutely total forgiveness was automatic."
What if I could train my ego, the part of me which likes to hold grievances, to "die" every moment in the sense of "expand into light" every moment? What if I could make that choice?
Before sleeping I say one last time for the day a statement reflecting this week's lesson, such as:
"My relationships are safe because there is nothing which cannot be forgiven."
Also available free of charge online:
Course in Political Miracles
Live Free of Feeling Upset
There is a course in miracles which teaches that we are never upset for the reason we think, but rather because we are seeing something that is not there. In other words, our perception gives rise to our upsets, but our perception is never clear, always distorted by past learning.
More specifically, this particular course in miracles teaches that our thoughts (including subconscious thoughts) determine everything we see, that the world literally rearranges itself to show us what we expect to see ... something like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Whether I would go that far or not, I have to agree that my state of mind based on past learning affects my seeing. So the question is: what if there was a way to see clearly without distortion?
That's a little like asking: "What if I could live in heaven while still on earth?"
An impossible goal? As impossible as it might seem, enlightened spiritual teachers tell us that clear seeing is not only possible but inevitable. Because seeing with the distortion of past learning is not our natural state and our natural state is always craving to be reestablished.
This week I take a giant step toward eliminating upsets in my life by training my mind to always see things differently than I might at first be tempted to see things.
An old spiritual teaching story tells of a man who always saw things differently than his neighbors. When apparently disastrous things were happening and his neighbors were sad and anguished, his attitude could almost be heard saying: "Yes, but if not for this ... sprouts of future good would not be germinating." When apparently wonderful things were happening and his neighbors were rejoicing with excitement, his calm attitude would seem to say: "Yes, but if not for this ... seeds of future trouble would not be planted."
The man in this story did not get upset because he knew there are always an infinite number of energies working invisibly. He kept in mind that situations we are tempted to call "good" always contain the seeds of what we would be tempted to call "bad," and vice versa. He remembered constantly that things are never what they appear to be.
What state of mind would have me reacting to situations with no upset at all, maybe even clearer than the man in the spiritual story?
I would have to have know that whatever is happening, it cannot hurt who I really am or reach to where I really live. After all, I am a spiritual being.
My goal this week is to train my mind to think not as my human nature thinks but as my spiritual nature thinks. To this end I start each day this week by decreeing for a minimum of 15 minutes:
"Nothing affects who I REALLY am and where I REALLY live, so no upset gains a foothold in my mind."
If I have time to decree this for more than 15 minutes each morning, so much the better. I want to say this so many times that it becomes "etched into" the nervous pathways of my brain.
During the day this week I use this statement like a mantra, saying it in my mind while I'm driving, while I'm showering, while I'm gardening ... every moment when I don't need the full attention of my mind to focus on other things.
"Nothing affects who I REALLY am and where I REALLY live, so no upset gains a foothold in my mind."
At the end of the day I review my progress. Were there times when I was tempted to be upset, but I remembered who I really am? How did that feel and what were the results?
I let my subconscious mind give me a number from 1 to 100 representing the percentage of how far I still have to go to become clear in my seeing. I dedicate myself to decreeing this statement for the same number of minutes the next morning. If I'm still 30% unclear, I decree the next day for 30 minutes. If I'm still 20% unclear, I decree the next day for 20 minutes.
Before falling to sleep I say to myself one last statement for the day, reaching deep inside to where I really mean it:
"I'm glad I'm choosing to see clearly! For me upset is set down!"
Also available free of charge online:
Course in Political Miracles
List of Lessons for Achieving Wonderful Relationships
Lesson 1: "I deserve a relationship which seems like heaven on earth."
Lesson 2: "I am fully capable of creating a perfect relationship."
Lesson 3: "First happiness, then a relationship."
Lesson 4: "My commitment to my own happiness brings me the relationship I want."
Lesson 5: "It does NOT take two to tango!"
Lesson 6: "I TOTALLY commit to creating a perfect relationship!"
Lesson 7: "Nothing brings better relationships than my own spiritual opening!"
Lesson 8: "I surround myself with natural heart and soul opening partners!"
Lesson 9: "For me, there are not a lot of fish in the sea!"
Lesson 10: "I am lifting up the entire earth!"
Lesson 11: "My perfect relationship serves a higher purpose!"
Lesson 12: "There is nothing I need do but wait...and see what happens!"
Lesson 13: "Signs and signals are everywhere!"
Lesson 14: "Whatever I REALLY need is what I have!"
Lesson 15: "By giving of my heart and soul I sustain oneness!"
Lesson 16: "My joy brings me what I really want!"
Lesson 17: "Self-honesty brings me what I really, really want!"
Lesson 18: "I look away from my ego and toward my spirit for guidance!"
Lesson 19: "My good comes from one source only,I am staying in-touch with source!"
Lesson 20: "My open heart heals relationships!"
Lesson 21: "Free of guilt, my relationship thrives!"
Lesson 22: "Replacing worry with trust gives me the relationship I want!"
Lesson 23: "I burn up anger before it burns up my relationship!"
Lesson 24: "Free of fear, my relationship glows!"
Lesson 25: "I agree quickly and my relationship is healed!"
Lesson 26: "By helping others to joyous relationships my own blossoms!"
Lesson 27: "I imagine the world taking a quantum leap into happier relationships!"
Lesson 28: "My spirituality enhances all my relationships!"
Lesson 29: "Meditation nourishes my relationships!"
Lesson 30: "With careful listening I heal my relationship!"
Lesson 31: "I have no need to be right, so relationships are easy and fun!"
Lesson 32: "My inner peace heals all relationships!"
Lesson 33: "Everything is just exactly as it should be!"
Lesson 34: "I fill my life with heart and soul opening partners!"
Lesson 35: "I expect miracles and they happen all around me!"
Lesson 36: "I practice feeling the spirit of others!"
Lesson 37: "Relationships are not what they seem to be!"
Lesson 38: "I do not jump eagerly into solving new relationship problems!"
Lesson 39: "It's okay with me if my relationship does not last forever!"
Lesson 40: "The only tightrope I walk is the peace line!"
Lesson 41: "I do not ignore eternal relationship truths!"
Lesson 42: "I stay grounded and my relationships stay high!"
Lesson 43: "I see my relationship partner now ... with no past!"
Lesson 44: "My relationships are clean of harmful fantasies!"
Lesson 45: "There is nothing which cannot be forgiven!"
Lesson 46: "Nothing can upset me if I am seeing clearly!"
Lesson 47: "My superb health keeps my relationships vital!"
Lesson 48: "My relationship is served by enlightened self-interest!"
Lesson 49: "My relationships are out of this world when I am serving others!"
Lesson 50: "My relationships are enhanced by spiritual teachers and books!"
Lesson 51: "Deep and careful inner hearing solves every problem!"
Lesson 52: "The end is in sight!"
Also available free of charge online:
Course in Political Miracles
Every Relationship Improves When Fear Is Released
This course teaches us how to release guilt, anger, and other ego-based emotions before such emotions have a chance to disrupt our relationships.
This course also leads us to work at even deeper levels inside ourselves to disable the root generator of all these sabotaging emotions.
Every negative emotion which damages our relationships and otherwise makes life miserable for us rises out of one underlying core emotion - fear. Therefore, any and all emotions which damage relationships can be eliminated when we give ourselves the gift of working deep inside ourselves to release fear.
There are two ways to release fear.
The most thorough way to become fearless is to look deep, deep inside ourselves and see that all fear comes from one underlying major ego belief ... the belief that we can somehow be hurt or harmed. Such a belief can then be neutralized by focusing on the inner realization that only bodies could be hurt or harmed, and we are not bodies, not really. Our true spiritual nature is invulnerable.
For a time we experience bodies, but we are actually spiritual beings. The more we give ourselves permission to experience ourselves as spiritual beings, the less we fear. A full and complete deep level realization that we are spiritual beings dissipates fear altogether.
Great saints teach us to say, "I am not a body. I am free. I am just as God created me." If we really experienced ourselves as God created us we'd be home free, right?
This leads into the second way to eliminate fear in case we are not ready to fully experience ourselves as spiritual beings. If we are still tempted to think as little human egos, we are guided to feel the reality that there is an extremely, immeasurably greater power than ourselves working for our highest good, as if our own little human power is just the tiniest tip of the iceberg. When such an understanding becomes very real for us, we have every reason to trust." Trust evaporates fear. Total trust vaporizes all fear.
The lessons of this course use many techniques which work on us to build great trust, and lead us eventually to experience ourselves as the spiritual beings we are. When fear is released, the love and joy and inner peace which rises from within seems almost overwhelming and truly miraculous. We glow ... and our glow permeates, heals, and makes wonderful all our relationships.
Also available free of charge online:
Course in Political Miracles
Eternal Relationship Truths
Relationships are not what they once were. In some ways relationships have improved from the old days. People have learned to communicate better in recent years, there is less manipulation and control in relationships nowadays, and people are no longer terrified to let go of nonproductive arrangements.
But in the rush to modernize relationships, time-honored values have sometimes been flushed down the drain, babies thrown out with the bathwater so to speak, leading to more relationship problems than necessary.
A good relationships course would have its students asking:
"What are the natural inbred values which, if ignored in relationships, render the relationship unnatural and therefore ultimately pain-producing?"
This course does not attempt to tell us what these values are, but rather gently reminds us there are such values and invites us to discover them for ourselves.
Maybe women have some natural genetically influenced traits which cannot be ignored in relationships. Maybe for relationships to work best men cannot be who they are not designed to be. Maybe there are certain relationship truths which our ancestors always knew instinctively and which cannot be thrown out even though we have new relationship technology.
So if we want happy, fulfilling relationships, we need to ask these kinds of questions and seek answers inside ourselves where the answers to all questions dwell. We need to ask sincerely to be shown what are the natural and inherent truths of relationships which can only be denied at risk.
If we like spiritual language we can call our asking "prayer" or "meditation."
If we think of ourselves as more scientifically inclined we can call ourselves "dedicated investigators." Even scientists admit that answers to great questions are more often than not heard inside themselves with inner hearing rather than figured out by intellectual means. Many years ago the head of the Physics Department at a famous university announced a tremendous breakthrough in the understanding of subatomic physics. The announced breakthrough did not come from his team of scientists who had worked many years with no results. The breakthrough was given to him by a young man whose habit it was to sit on the roof of his house, smoke marijuana, and converse with "visitors from outer space."
Some would say it's a sad state of affairs when visitors from outer space have to feed us our scientific breakthroughs. Others would say it's been that way all along. If there were such a thing as visitors from outer space, they themselves would probably say, "Who do you think is writing this relationships course?"
The truth is perhaps closer to home. Maybe inner space is outer space and the inspirations that have always been given to scientists, inventors, writers and artists have come from within. Perhaps "visitors from outer space" are visiting flashes of enlightenment from inner space.
At any rate, if we want wonderful relationships we need to seek relationship answers we may never previously have looked deep enough inside ourselves to see. We need to be alert, to watch, to listen inside ... and to pay attention to answers rising from within.
It is said that all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again. It is very helpful to imagine Humpty is our relationships and the king's power is modern relationship science, valuable but not in itself enough to accomplish our goal. On the other hand, those who have a habit of looking deep inside ourselves can be heard proclaiming almost every day:
"What a joy to discover truth for myself and live by it! What an incredible joy!"
Also available free of charge online:
Course in Political Miracles
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